Intro

I wanted to write a little blog on my thoughts on relationships of all kinds (including romantic ones, dating, and sex) and general interactions with your fellow human being or your neighbor in the broadest sense of the word. I’m noticing a lot of hate and division in the world these days, along with total disregard for respect and consent. This bothers me greatly, but rather than sit here and stew and complain, I figured I’d author a little article with my thoughts on how we can spread love, acceptance, and respect to counter all this hate and division.

I am going to endeavor to write this as gender-neutral as I can, as moving away from the heteronormative two-gender culture we currently live in is a part of the general respect I’m talking about. We know that we aren’t all just heterosexuals of two genders, there is a whole spectrum of genders, sexual orientation and gender identity. So, respecting that diversity is very important in a respectful and loving society. Unfortunately, the heteronormative culture is very ingrained in many of us, and moving away from it is going to be very hard, so occasional slipups should be expected and tolerated. As a 58-year-old cis gendered white single guy my world view is very colored by who I am and my experiences in the world, this includes my interactions with women. So, my writing is naturally colored by those experiences.

It should go without saying that everything I write here is strictly my opinion.

Myth busting

Let us start with setting the record straight on a few things, a little myth-busting if you will. The heteronormative culture I spoke of has a lot of bad and downright harmful messages I want to get in front of. I entirely blame the patriarchy for this. Their overall message seems to be „women are property to be controlled at all costs, they are only good as breeders and housewives and their value is proportional to their beauty“. This, of course, is 10000% harmful garbage. Additionally, their definition of femininity and masculinity is equally harmful.

Masculinity should not be defined by physical strength, how many street fights you’ve won, or anything along those lines. Of course, disagreement should not be resolved with violence of any kind. Violence is never the answer. Anyone who takes what they want without regard for other people is a straight-up criminal or a monster, not a man or masculine in any way, shape, or form.

Femininity is not defined as submissive, demur, and weak. You can be independent and strong and still be very feminine.

To the men

Let me share some lessons I learned way too late in life in the hopes that other men can learn from me. All of these I instinctively knew and believed were true, but I struggled with them because the societal messaging I was getting was contradicting what I believed and felt was right. So, while I knew these were right and morally correct, I was conflicted well into my 30s because society told me I was wrong.

Women are not property to be owned or controlled. They are fellow human beings who deserve autonomy, respect, and dignity.
You don’t have to find folks attractive or interesting in order to show them respect. You should show everyone respect, if not brotherly love, even if you are not interested in them. Even if you don’t like them for some reason (it’s very normal not to like someone), you still owe them respect and dignity, at the very least.
You are, in fact, not required to hit on every woman you find attractive. This is an incredibly creepy behavior and tends to put women on the defensive.
Commenting on the appearance of any woman you don’t know personally and intimately is inappropriate and should be avoided. Women do, in fact, not enjoy getting complements from total strangers, they find it creepy if not outright scary. Bitter experience has taught them that many sexual assaults begin this way. Be especially wary of this in any business setting where this is outrageously unprofessional.
You are also, in fact, not required to try to have sex with every woman you find attractive.
- This was the most confusing of all the messages that conflicted with my core beliefs. Being around all those gorgeous women but having no desire to have sex with them because they clearly weren’t interested was very troubling to me. It took me many years to understand I wasn’t broken; I was being respectful. I only came to this conclusion after open and frank discussions with several women in my life. Sexual chemistry, respect, and consent are what are required. Of course, attractiveness is important, but just because you find her attractive and that she is willing to spend time with you does not mean she wants to engage sexually with you.
- Even if she admits to finding you attractive, that also does not mean she wants to engage sexually. More on consent later.
Also, you are not required to want to have sex with every woman you find attractive. There is nothing wrong with you if you are not interested in having sex with a woman you find attractive. Sexual chemistry is essential, and it isn’t always present, even if the patriarchy claims it should.
You are, in fact, not entitled to sexual encounters. Being disrespectful and violent is the surest way to ensure you won’t get any. Being respectful, humble, and gracious will increase your chances.
Rejection sucks, it really does. However, that does not give you the right to be violent. Taking rejection with respect and dignity is a whole lot more manly than getting angry or even violent.
Don’t stare! While this may be the most obvious of them all, it is so hard to accomplish 100% of the time. This is one I frequently struggle with personally til this day. I find beautiful women absolutely and totally mesmerizing; they are totally my kryptonite. I have gotten a lot better about this over the years, but I still falter from time to time. I know this is totally creepy, if not outright scary, so I really try hard to avoid it. My biggest fear when interacting with women is that I am not being respectful enough and failing with this whole staring thing, so I continue to work to improve in this area.

To the women

Here are a few pro tips for the women I picked up along the way, both through observations and discussions with women.

Don’t get suckered into fighting for the patriarchy by criticizing or tearing down other women. Use that energy instead to tear down the patriarchy as well as support, uplift, and build up other women.
Don’t be afraid to take up space; you have just as much right as the next guy to exist. Stand tall, proud, and confident. Stand straight, shoulder back, and make eye contact.
Drop the whole „I don’t want to be an inconvenience“ act. For example, if someone close to you (your friend, boyfriend, date, etc.) offers to bring you coffee or offers other acts of service, accept it with gratitude. Unless, of course, you genuinely do not want it or want to do it yourself. Allow people close to you to make you happy; you deserve that. Anyone you want to have in your life who offers to do something for you loves to help you. It makes them happy to make you happy, so don’t deprive yourself or them of that. The only caveat here is to be 100% honest. If their service offering isn’t helpful, say so. If you don’t want coffee, say that. If you would rather have tea, say that. Something like „I’m not in mood for coffee right now, but I’d love some tea“. If you hate flowers, make sure those close to you know that. Etc.
Stop over-apologizing; replace apology with appreciation.
- Replace „sorry I’m a bother“ with „thank you for your help.“
- „Replace „sorry I’m late“ with „thank you for waiting.“
- „Replace „sorry I’m annoying“ with „thank you for listening.“
- Replace „sorry I’m crying“ with „thank you for creating a safe space for me to be emotional.“
The fact that a man doesn’t pursue you, or even flat-out doesn’t want to have sex with you, does not mean you are unattractive or that there is anything wrong with you. Lack of sexual chemistry isn’t tied to looks.
Even if one or two men find you unattractive, it doesn’t mean you are unattractive. Not every guy has good taste, so you can’t hold that against them or take their poor taste as a general rule.
The fact that a man isn’t harassing you, pulling your pigtails, or pursuing you does not mean he’s not interested in you. The whole „if he wants you, he’ll make it happen“ is a lie from those promoting rape culture.
Expressing your interest your desire or making the first move is a great and very positive thing. Also, having a high sex drive, enjoying sex, and expressing such is a very positive thing. The same thing goes for low sex drive. Any man who tells you otherwise, disrespects you, calls you derogatory labels such as slut, easy or whore, or loses interest over this, is very likely a controlling and abusive predator, at least a toxic person that is best avoided. The same guys that call women sluts for having high interest in sex would call them prudes for having little interest in sex, which is proof that those guys are toxic garbage that should be avoided.
You have so much more to offer the world than your beauty. Granted, your beauty lights up the world, but don’t let that define you. Your kindness, intelligence, and strength are much more important. Your value is not based on your looks; your true value is based on your skill set, intelligence, strength, compassion, and kindness.
You are, in fact, perfect just the way you are. Stunningly beautiful, in fact, no makeup required. You don’t need plastic surgery or any alterations, regardless of size, shape, or features. Your features are what makes you, you. Don’t change that for anyone, learn to love your body and others will follow suit.
If you are into tattoos or piercings, go for it, and don’t let anyone stop you.
If you are into makeup, don’t let anyone tell you not to use it, just as you shouldn’t let anyone tell you that you are required to use it. Your choice to use it should be based on your preferences and likes, not pressure from society.
There is no formula for beauty. When have you seen or heard of a beauty scale for a picture, a sculpture, or other piece of art? Just like a piece of art, you are beautiful because of who you are, regardless of your size or shape, so don’t let anyone judge you based on some artificial scale or formula.
Also, your age does not limit your beauty. Women continue to get more and more beautiful as they get older. As I said, there is no connection between age and beauty. Anyone spouting about women peaking in their 20s is just a toxic incel that needs to be ignored because they are spouting nothing but nonsense.
Since there is no formula for beauty, „most beautiful woman“ is very subjective and purely based on the speaker’s (or the judge’s) personal preferences and opinions. So don’t get caught up in competing with other women on who’s prettier. To me, you are all beautiful in your own way. Asking me to pick the prettiest is like asking me to pick between the Mona Lisa painting and the statue of Aphrodite of Knidos. It’s easier for me to pick my favorite food.

To everyone

Here are some additional pro tips that everyone should take to heart.

Don’t be afraid to express what you need. For example, if you are hanging out with a friend and they neglect to offer you something to drink, don’t be afraid to let them know you’d like something to drink. For example, say something like „Do you have any beer?“ or „Can I have some wine?“ or „Do you have any tea?“ etc., depending on your mood. Help people make you happy by letting them know your wants and desires.
There is no specific body type or size you need to adhere to. The size of your muscles or any other body parts does not define who you are. Focus on being happy and as healthy as you can. Anyone engaging in body shaming, or any form of shaming, is simply a toxic person.
The sexiest thing you can wear is confidence. Figure out who you are, what you like, etc., and own that with determination, focus, and purpose.
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are, how to dress, what you can and can’t do, your identity or orientation, or anything like that. Let your kindness, caring, and compassion lead the way to discovering who you are and what you want.
You may need to re-evaluate your likes, dislikes, and beliefs to see if they are indeed yours or if you let someone else define them for you. There is also nothing wrong with changing your likes, dislikes, and beliefs as often as you see fit.
Figure out who you are and what you like and dislikes are, then own that with purpose and confidence. If there is something you want, communicate that to the folks most likely to be able to help with that. There is never any shame in asking for what you want, no matter what it is. Just ensure it is done with respect, which means, if you have been rejected, to accept that with grace and dignity and not mention it again to the person who rejected it.
Be careful who you take advice and criticism from. When you receive them, evaluate them carefully, try them on, and if they don’t fit or don’t feel right, toss it right in the return bin and move on.
Cut toxic people out of your life, regardless of who they are. As someone was quoted saying, „If it doesn’t spark joy, let it go,“ or something like that. It doesn’t matter if they are family or childhood friends or someone you just met; if they are harmful to your mental health, then cut them out.
You don’t have to attend every fight you are invited to. Toxic people like to start an argument to get you riled up or to tear you down. They are miserable and need to make other people miserable. Just walking away and ignoring them can be great for your mental health. Not letting them get your attention or under your skin is the best way to deal with those folks.
Debates are great and helpful if they are uplifting and done with the purpose of learning. Understanding the other person’s point of view or learning something new should be the goal. As soon as it becomes about who is right and who is wrong, or to convince someone they are wrong, it has turned toxic and should be terminated. To be clear, learning is great, but once it turns into „you’re wrong, I’m right,“ it becomes about the ego and not about learning. Just walk away.
Focus your energy on spreading love, acceptance, and tolerance through every interaction. Just be aware of the paradox of tolerance, which states that extending tolerance to the intolerant can destroy the very concept of tolerance.
Don’t judge your fellow man; you don’t know their struggles. Show them love and acceptance with no exceptions, conditions, or restrictions. Remember, you don’t have to like them to show them respect and acceptance.
You are not required to like everyone, in fact if you do think you like absolutely everyone there is a good chance you’re a people pleaser which is not healthy. You are required, though, to show everyone acceptance, respect, and dignity.
Above all, love yourself. It is good to work on self-improvement, but they should be driven from within, not by a comment some toxic person made. As stated above, anyone engaging in any body shaming or other form of shaming is toxic and should be ignored. If you decide to engage in self-improvement, you should still love who you are today while you work on becoming even more awesome.
Finally, all love is good love; it doesn’t matter what form it takes.
- If it is truly love (and not something masquerading as love), then it is good by definition.
- People don’t always tell the truth and sometimes „I love you“ is a big fat lie when the actions don’t back that up. Those lies are frequently said as an emotional manipulation tactic.
- Spread as much love as you possibly can, whether brotherly, platonic, or romantic.
- Don’t let anyone tell you how to love, or try to limit how much love you spread, regardless of the type of love you are spreading, you should be in control of what kind of love you spread to who.
- Remember, all love is good love. Spread it far and wide.

Consent

Definition

The key ingredient in all adult interactions is consent. Consent is critical and required in all adult interactions, double so if the interaction is physical in any form. What is consent you ask, well let’s dive into it.

Consent is the idea of getting informed permission before any interaction, verbal or physical.
Consent is freely given, without pressure, force, or duress, and can be revoked anytime.
Consent is never owed; no one is ever entitled to get consent. While consent is required before each interaction, no one is required to provide consent. This means if you do not obtain consent, you must cease your attempt at interaction.
While it can be given non-verbally, verbal enthusiastic consent reduces risk of confusion.
The party initiating the interaction is responsible for obtaining consent and ensuring it is valid. Any confusion is the initiator’s responsibility and means there was no valid consent.
Consent can be revoked anytime, without a warning. The revocation is equally valid whether given verbally or non-verbally or whether the other party understood the revocation.

Invalid Consent

As stated above, consent obtained under pressure or duress is invalid consent. Here are some specifics

Consent obtained after initiation can be seen as pressure and, therefore, not valid.
Making it clear that no is not an acceptable answer makes the consent invalid. If you don’t take no for an answer, yes is not a valid answer either
Pestering the other person until they relent is not a valid consent
Non-enthusiastic responses are problematic and, at best, need to be clarified; at worst, make it invalid
- Sure, just get it over it
- I guess …
- I suppose
- Etc.
If the answer isn’t a clear enthusiastic yes, consider it a no
Any consent from a highly intoxicated person is invalid
When there is a power dynamic, consent from those with less power may not be valid, as they may be uncomfortable saying no to someone with power over them. This includes young people interacting with much older people

Exclusions

There really are no exclusions; it is always required without exclusions or conditions. How strictly you consider the need for consent will depend on the situation and how nice of a person you want to be. The consequences can be wide-ranging too, based on the situation.

Here are a few examples of good consent scenarios:

While the question „may I ask you a question“ gets a lot of ridicule for being redundant, stupid, and annoying, it is a great way to ask for consent for verbal interaction. If you are already engaged in verbal interaction, then sometimes it might be a bit redundant, but better safe than sorry
If you see a stranger in a bar you want to chat with so you can get to know them, the polite thing to do is to ask, „Can I sit here and chat with you for a while? I’d love to get to know you.“
Ask for a hug; don’t just hug someone without consent
Reaching your hand out is a non-verbal request for a handshake

The fact that some of these may seem over the top or just plain weird is a huge part of the problem. I would love to live in a world where we all show each other this much respect.

So, in a polite, loving, and respectful society, consent is the basis for all interactions. It is always required without exceptions or exclusions.

Even if you know a person well and know, for example, that they love hugs, it’s important to be aware of their mood and, when in doubt, check in to see if they are OK with a hug at that particular moment. Maybe they had a bad day and need to be alone; maybe an extra big hug is just what they need. The best way to find out is to ask. If you decide to skip getting verbal consent, be on the lookout for physical clues that you do not have valid consent.

If you proceed with an interaction without valid consent, any harm that may come of that interaction, whether emotional, legal, or both, is squarely on you, even if the initiator thought they had consent when, in reality, they didn’t. An example of this is a pat on the back, while intended as positive encouragement, can be seen as assault by the person on the receiving end in which case you are 100% guilty of assault despite your positive intent.

Remember it is not the intent that matters, it is how it is received.

Granting and revoking

As stated above, granting consent is best done verbally; even then, it is important to pay attention to the tone of voice and body language to ensure all three are congruent. As the example from above, „I guess“ with a sigh and a frown is not valid consent. A „yes“ with enthusiasm in the voice and a smile is good consent. A nod and a smile can be an example of valid non-verbal consent.

If there is doubt or confusion, assume the answer is no. In these cases, it is OK to follow up with something like, „I’m sensing doubt; am I missing something?“.

It is important to be aware of the revocation of the consent and immediately stop the interaction. These can take many forms:

Via negative words, like stop, don’t and enough. Even phrases like „I’m going …“
By freezing, becoming un-normally quiet, or becoming stiff
By moving away or moving you

If we pay attention to the person we interact with, as we should in all positive, loving, and respectful interactions, we will recognize consent being revoked. If they are into whatever is going on, they engage verbally or via body language. Body language could include moving closer or angling towards you, etc. If they are not into it, they become quieter and move or angle away from us, become squirmy (for example, during a hug), unnaturally stiff, or otherwise aren’t engaging as much. We all need to constantly look for those changes and adjust accordingly. Continuing interaction without valid consent violates human decency if not the law, and „I didn’t know“ or „I thought I had consent“ is no defense. Neither is „she gave consent last Tuesday.“ If the receiver felt there was no consent at that moment, there was no consent, and you are fully responsible for any and all harm that resulted.

I say it again: if you get consent, which is revoked a few minutes (or seconds) later, and you don’t immediately stop whatever the interaction is, you are 100% violating the other person. There is no excuse or defense for continuing after consent has been revoked.

Dating, romance, and sex

While consent is important in all interactions, it is even more critical during dating, romance, and sex due to the increased intimacy involved.

Power dynamic and intoxication issues

Here it is imperative to make sure the consent is valid and not invalidated due to intoxication or power dynamics. If you exert any power over your partner, I strongly recommend you stop and take action to even out the power dynamics. For example, if you are a manager at the same company as your partner, and they are anywhere in your line of command, make it so that they are no longer in your line of command before pursuing any romantic or sexual relationship.

If your sexual or romantic partner is under 25 and you are several years over 25, you should immediately stop all romantic or sexual interactions. These relationships are fraught with power dynamics, and it is almost impossible to get valid consent for anything. If you decide to continue the relationship, make extra sure that your partner isn’t feeling pressured.

If you are a grown adult and your romantic or sexual partner is a minor, you are an abuser, plain and simple. There is never any scenario where it is OK for a grown adult to engage sexually or romantically with a minor, and consent is never valid in this scenario.

Other issues

It is critical to be on the lookout for all verbal and non-verbal signs. Men tend to be much better about being clear about what they do or do not want because that is what society expects of them. At the same time, women are taught not to object, or they learn through bitter experiences how some men become violent when rejected. This means it is the men who need to be extra careful about obtaining consent for all interactions with women. Of course everyone should always have consent, all I’m saying is that the consent women give are much more likely to be invalid consent due to the power dynamics between men and women in today’s society.

Because there are so many monsters that look like regular guys but become violent when rejected or upset, it’s crucial to demonstrate that you are safe and make sure the woman you are with feels safe to give valid consent.

Paying attention to the tone of voice and body language is especially important. If there isn’t enthusiasm in her voice, verify the consent. If she freezes or stiffens up, she doesn’t feel safe. Same if she moves or angles away from you. Many sexual harassment and sexual assault complaints have risen from not having valid consent for the interaction. Some have even „accidentally“ raped a woman because they weren’t listening or paying attention to the signs telling them they didn’t have a valid consent.

Here, it is important to point out that consent isn’t just time-specific (as invalid one second and invalid the next); it is also very scope-specific.

Holding hands means just holding hands.
The hand on the shoulder is just the hand on the shoulder.
Back rub is only a consent to rub the back, and everyone knows where the back ends and the butt begins, for example. Also, sides are not included unless expressly specified in the consent.
Kissing doesn’t imply consent for groping
etc.

If you want to get really technical, consent to place a hand on the shoulder doesn’t imply consent to rub the shoulder. So, it is good to be very specific in your consent request, even if that means you are very specific about the consent being generic.

Now, I feel the need to acknowledge that the world is a lot more fluid than this in real life. Just explaining what the most respectful world would look like, we can then debate how practical that would be and all that.

As long as you are very aware of non-verbal signs, confident in your ability to read body language, and ready to accept the consequences of being wrong, you are free to be as fluid as you like.

The bottom line is that there is never anything implied in consent. It’s important to note here who the requester is, and who needs to obtain consent is constantly changing. For example, you offer foot massage, which means you are asking for consent to massage the feet. You get a response of „I would love that“ with a huge smile and putting their feet on your lap. Now you have valid consent to massage their feet but nothing else. Then, the receiver of the massage asks you to massage their calves as well. Now, they are asking you for consent to massage their calves. If you are OK with massaging their legs as well, you consent to that action. The request carried a valid consent in it, just like your offer carried a valid consent that you are willing to rub their feet. In other words, every party to an interaction needs to have consented to participating in that interaction.

It is understandable if you don’t want to break up the action with a bunch of questions; just be sure to watch the body language. A quick „Is this OK?“ every now and then can be very sexy and sweet.

When engaging sexually, only after getting informed and enthusiastic consent, of course, it is critical to focus on your partner and watch their body’s reaction to what you are doing and adjust accordingly. I think anyone can figure out what that means without further instructions if they want to. The key here is to be focused on your partner, not just yourself.

In closing

Hopefully, this will help you to live a more loving, accepting, and respectful life despite the rampant hate in today’s society.

I’d love to hear what you thought. Any thoughts would be most appreciated, especially around how this made you feel, anything I need to cover more deeply, anything I should add, anything I should change, etc.

I would love it if you could keep the comment in the spirit of the article, which is written with love in your heart, with compassion and respect.

You can comment below or contact me privately.

Relationship with respect and consent